Forget the myth, the green ones will make her just as (un)horny as the yellow ones.
Valentine’s Day: ah, the one day a year when you can show your girlfriend you love her. When else could you buy her flowers, dinner, and candy? Never. At least that’s what Hallmark has brainwashed the American male to believe.
Given this is your one chance to prove your undying affection for the next 365 days guys, here’s your no-fail get-dumped guide to gift-giving. We’ve compiled the five worst ways to say “I Love You” and are presenting them in clear, numbered form for your well-being. We all know you boys can get creative, so anything remotely and possibly related to these five, forget it.
5. Five bags of green M&M’s, the latest Cosmo Kama Sutra and a wide array of assorted flavored condoms that will make your “junk taste like pie.” Yes, it’s true. CVS is selling entire bags of green (yes, green) M&M’s, hoping to sucker in those who still believe getting your girl to woof down a bag of little green chocolate balls will make her the biggest sex pot of all time. It will, in fact, make her the fattest date of all time. And this would make you the biggest (and horniest) dumbass of all time.
4. The Complete “Flava of Love” DVD Collection. Just because you enjoy the reality debauchery that is VH1, doesn’t mean she will. This also goes for “COPS,” Monster Truck Rally Tickets, anything that could qualify as a power tool, anything that could qualify as a hunting accessory — basically anything other than “Dirty Dancing,” “The Notebook” and the like. Everything starring Hugh Grant is a go.
3. Anything that looks like you got it at the fair…or the Dollar Store…or the gas station. Nothing puts a girl in the mood quite like a six-foot Styrofoam frog squatting in the corner. Zippo lighters and two-for-$1 Peach Rings might give frog prince a run for his money, but you’d be better off with the M&M’s and condoms.
2. Anything other than a ring in a ring-sized box. Every girl learns in September of second grade that there are major five potential-proposal dates: Christmas, New Year’s, Valentine’s, Thanksgiving and your birthday. The biggest mistake of your life could be putting a pair of Wal-Mart earrings in a ring-sized box. You will spend the rest of the 364 days lamenting this decision. Of course, if you propose, you could spend the rest of your life lamenting that decision. When in doubt, use a shoe-box.
1. And the absolute worst gift you can get for your girlfriend this (or any) Valentine’s Day: nothing. ATTENTION: VALENTINE’S DAY IS THURSDAY, FEB. 14. If you must, rip your clothes, claw your face and explain to your girlfriend that the panther that has alluded Clemson police authorities and been lurking around campus attacked you on your way over. You fought him with matched ferociousness but, in his retreat, he somehow snagged the three dozen roses you had grown, pruned and picked and linguine dinner you slaved two hours over. Hopefully she’s an idiot, Pixie and Bill’s isn’t packed and you can still make it to the 9:30 movie. Good luck.
