We’ve reached a precarious intersection between history and technology. The saying used to be, “History has a short memory.” So, History was an old codger fumbling through the kitchen, cussing over misplaced car keys. But technology has made archiving the minutia that makes a day simple as pointing and clicking. Now, History is the infomercial guy who can memorize three decks of cards and read them back to you, and he especially delights in recounting embarrassing failures over and over again.
Consider Britney Spears’ train-wreck performance at the VMA’s. Put aside the speculation she was a last-minute replacement for Amy Winehouse (ironically in rehab – even though she said, “no, no, no”) and the rumors Brit was mainlining margaritas hours before her performance. Http://www.miguelcarrasco.net/miguelcarrasco/2007/09/britney-spear-1.html is painfully delicious. Her lip-synch is out of rhythm, her dancing is robotic and upon second viewing (and then third and fourth) you can see she stops singing. Gimme More!
Those with Palmetto Pride know the iFlub all too well. Http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj3iNxZ8Dww is 48 excruciating seconds from the Miss Teen USA pageant, wherein Catlin Upton, representing South Carolina, strings together a heap of nonsense in a desperate grasp at coherency. And something about maps? It’s a moment she’d rather forget. Bloggers, always appreciative of wince-inducing embarrassment, instead championed the video. Catlin has since appeared on the “Today Show” and “College Game Day,” so don’t feel too bad for her.
But hands-down, the greatest feat of dumb-assery archived on the net goes to — dah da dah! — Mr. Robin Ventura. For those indifferent to men who play with balls for a living, Robin was quite the baseballer. He won six Gold Gloves and hit 18 grand slams, including a game-winning smash in the 1999 playoffs. But when YouTube-ing Robin Ventura, do you get a highlight reel or footage of a towering home run? Nope, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VUfJ1C8pGI4 is a clip of Ventura getting wailed on by Nolan Ryan. “The Ryan Express” plunks Robin with a fastball, and when Robin charges the mound to physically communicate his displeasure, Nolan gets him in a full WWE headlock and pummels his cranium with haymakers. That’s Robin Ventura’s e-legacy: he’s the dude who Nolan Ryan beat the piss out of in the best diamond brawl of all time.
So a word to the wise: don’t shoot yourself in the leg during a gun safety lecture, don’t eat hamburgers off the floor shirtless and drunk, don’t tape yourself impersonating Jedi, and certainly don’t e-mail nude pictures of yourself to Zac Efron. Shows like i-Caught and Web Junk 20 will show that crap until the rapture. Remember, the Internet gives History a keen memory, and your screw-ups may be around for a long, long time.
