We’ve narrowly escaped Armageddon twice in 10 years. First, on Aug. 29, 1997 (technically 10 years and 43 days, but oh well), Sarah Connor and a rogue T-101 android prevented the SkyLab Computer and T-1000 from launching the “Judgment Day” nuclear strike. Then came Y2K, where thanks to zero-hour software updates, programmers just barely prevented our blenders from going ape and sawing our faces off. The robots are regrouping, though, and recent advances indicate the attack is underway.
iRobot, the company which infiltrated American homes with the Roomba automated vacuum cleaner, has taken their next step toward world domination. Available just in time for fall foliage, the iRobot Looj is a small Panzer tank that fits into your gutters to drill out leaves and gunk. Tank treads give it amazing traction and the Looj is waterproof in up to a foot of gutter juice. It also boasts interchangeable drills depending on the severity of your gutter clog. Clearly, iRobot is collecting organic energy from gutter gunk to power an army of attack droids. Then again, I do hate cleaning the gutters.
Even if we could fend off iRobot’s brigade of sentient vacuums and gutter tanks, we’d still have their ConnectR to contend with. ConnectR, according to the iRobot Web site, is a “virtual visiting robot,” which allows you to check in on your home when you’re away. Currently in beta testing, ConnectR is a remote controlled Roomba with speakers and a Web cam on top of it. iRobot purports the ConnectR allows business travelers to interact with their wives and children while visiting prostitutes on business, but I know better. The ConnectR is lurking in our homes, collecting vital intelligence and stealing our precious secrets. It’s only a matter of time before we’re all plugged into the Matrix.
But there is a silver lining to our impending doom. Osaka University in Japan has created a robot named Actroid – a lady robot. Miss Actroid boasts life-like skin made of layered silicon and polyurethane, as well as fluid movement and speech. She’s meant to be an automated tour guide, but Actroid’s denim miniskirt, French nails and Hello Kitty tee suggest she’s game for…ahem…other activities. And like Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman,” she can be rented: five days for a mere $3,500.
I remember watching “Short Circuit” as a youngster and wishing I could switch places with Steve Gutenberg. But when Johnny Five comes alive, he’ll most likely enslave humankind. So laugh now, but adding a Robot Policy from Old Glory Insurance (www.robotmarketplace.com/video_oldglory_hi.html) sounds smarter and smarter every day. Because the metal ones are coming for you.
