|
I had friends who loved the 2003 version of “Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” They would go on about how scary and exciting it was, and how it was a great date movie.
Which is funny, considering how I think it’s the cinematic equivalent of a regurgitated taco.
Dubbed the Worst Movie of All Time in my book, the modern version contains idiotic protagonists, vomit-inducing villains, a kill-by-the-numbers plot and cinematography that might show what a film reel would look like if it was dragged through unsanitary portions of a sewage treatment plant.
How could anyone, much less people I called friends, like this movie?
Imagine my relief upon reading film critic Roger Ebert’s review, calling it “contemptible” from the get-go and awarding it zero stars out of four. My opinion would stand firm even if this movie won Best Picture, which would be a cue for solar implosion and the accompanying end to all life forms. It helped, though, to have a legend on my side.
Ebert’s “Texas Chainsaw” review is included in a list of other stinkers for his new compilation, “Your Movie Sucks.” A sequel to his “I Hated, Hated, Hated This Movie,” this version collects reviews of movies he’s given one-and-a-half stars or less. The title was inspired from the last line in his review of “Deuce Bigalow, European Gigolo,” referring to the efforts of its star Rob Schneider.
Kicking off with “Deuce” and the torture flick “Chaos,” Ebert continues with reviews in alphabetical order, slaying vanity projects (the Bob Dylan fan club letter, “Masked and Anonymous”), dead teenager movies (“Jeepers Creepers 2”), sci-fi sludge fests (“Resident Evil” and its sequel) and star vehicles gone awry (Halle Berry, why “Catwoman”? If you needed help paying bills, why didn’t you let me know?).
For my tastes, Ebert hits the nail on the head. There is not a single movie in “Your Movie Sucks” that I enjoyed, and quite a few I found miserable, like the noisy mess “13 Ghosts.”
There wasn’t even a so-bad-it’s-good movie featured here, like the Ebert-hated “Diary of a Mad Black Woman.” It’s all three-month old garbage getting its just disposal.
Those arguing that pain creates divine art have Ebert’s reviews as their best defense. Writing about a stinker not only seems second nature to Ebert, but readers can tell he gets a kick out of this. Identifying plot loopholes in the Angelina Jolie faux tearjerker “Life or Something Like It” is a task that ends up more hilarious and passionate than anything the movie itself could produce.
In short, if you liked “Freddy Got Fingered,” you probably won’t like this book. Then again, you probably don’t like books, so why are you reading this anyway?
|
